That darn elusive Barry Smirkington’s at it again. He’s dug even deeper in my sordid history and laid it even more Jim-facts to bare. What will stop him and his wretched fact-mongering? Is he doing this for money or fame? Maybe the promise of a young maidens hand? Perhaps he’s a time traveller putting things right what once went wrong? Who’s to say?

More importantly will he ever stop? Well that’s up to him of course. Although my army of assassin hedgehogs may have something to say about it.

It’s very important to state at this time that these facts are true in a completely libelous way. Understand? Good.

More about Jim

• “I am the Way and the Truth and the Life,” says Jim, when questioned about his oft-claimed divinity. “No one can come to the Father except through me”. Despite this, Jim still maintains he is not the modern-day reincarnation of the Lamb of God. “I’m not saying I’m Jesus,” he proclaims; “That is for other people to say. And say it they will, in time”.

• Although Jim is now best known for great works towards ecology and protection of endangered species, his early life is marked by extreme acts of hatred and violence towards all animals. Jim once broke into a zoo in order to strangle an elk he believed had spoken badly of him, and was often described by RSPCA inspectors as being “like Dr Mengele, but for frogs”.

• Jim is so allergic to flapjack that a High Court ruling allows him to shoot on sight anyone carrying a slice of the tempting oat-based treat, provided he uses a crossbow with a compressive strength of no more than 250 Newtons.

• A short-lived alliance with the dark wizard Lord Voldemort earned Jim the pseudonym “He Who Can Be Named, But You Probably Shouldn’t Unless You Want To Get Your Shit Kicked In”.

• Jim bears a striking resemblance to Joseph of Arimathea, Guardian of the Grail Kings. Due to this, Jim has been entrusted with the Horn of the Pendragon, to be blown at the hour of Britain’s direst need in order to wake King Arthur and his knights from their centuries-long slumber. Better have some coffee ready, Jim!

• Jim had all his blood removed and replaced with liquid mercury at the age of 16. Now he is immune to most poisons and can burn holes in concrete with his wee!

• Jim is often mistaken for bearded bird-lover Bill Oddie, despite bearing little or no physical resemblance to the cackling twitcher. When cornered by a band of devoted Oddie fans in his local park, Jim was forced to slaughter an entire family of swans to prove he was not the beloved Springwatch correspondent!

• Following his failure to secure a council seat in the Barton-on-the-Wold local elections in 1996, Jim embarked on an orgy of destruction that ultimately left more than 30,000 people dead. This is still remembered amongst the much denuded population as an event referred to only as “The Shrivening”.

• Jim claims that he can turn invisible at will, and invited any who doubted this ability to witness it themselves on the lawn of Buckingham Palace on the first of July, 2007. Jim’s failure to appear at this event did nothing to dispel veracity from his claim!

• His Majesty King Bhumibol Adulyadej of Thailand describes Jim as a close personal friend and “the absolute embodiment of what one would look for in the template for an army of soulless clones, bent on world domination. If one were so inclined. Which I’m not”. Jim declined to comment on his relationship with the (allegedly) insane monarch!

These facts were also taken from “The Life & Times of Jim Franklin by Barry Smirkington (2002, Associated Press)” available in all good fictional bookstores.

if you want to read even more, you can by clicking on this old linky-poo right here.