Blizzard Entertainment: April Fools’ 2009

As usual, Blizzard Entertainment takes advantage of this day of fools by announcing some stellar new content for all three of their announced games. To start off, we’re introduced to a new “Dance Battle System” that’s coming to World of Warcraft.

You perform dance moves using a custom interface similar to those that appear when controlling a vehicle in Wrath of the Lich King. The custom action bar displays all available dance moves, which each crew member can individually configure by speaking to the appropriate NPC before the competition.

Next, your crew will need to create their routine. To practice, simply select a backing track, and the music will begin after a brief countdown. The best routines are carefully planned out in advance and executed with individual skill as well as with an overall group dynamic in mind.

Once engaged in a Dance Battle, simply select the dance move you wish to perform, and your character will execute it. As with the Arena system, close communication and teamwork is crucial — you’ll have to be in sync, both with the music as well as with the other members of your crew, to become the “server” and not the “servee.”

Each crew will take turns performing, with the order randomly selected at the beginning of each dance-off. Whichever crew posts the higher score from the judges is declared the winner of the battle. At the end of the Dance Battle season, only one team will be dubbed Azeroth’s best dance crew!

But that’s not all! Diablo III is getting a playable class called the Archivist, complete with a Quest Bolt spell that paralyzes enemies and forces a yellow exclamation point above their head and a Shush spell that causes mass carnage:

In my writings, I have recounted stories of the barbarians and their endless battles with the demons of the frozen north, and devoted pages to the wizards of Caldeum who harness the primal forces of reality. But the might of these heroes is nothing compared to the power of the archivists of Westmarch. These brave souls wade into battle wielding tome and quill, armored not in ensorcelled plate or links of chain, but in the knowledge of generations past. These archivists fight not only for our future, but for our past as well.

I first encountered an archivist in the ruins of the great city of Travincal. While exploring one of the long-abandoned temples, I was drawn by the flickering of faint torchlight through a distant doorway, and then, as I crept nearer, by the sound of a voice. There was a feeling in the air of danger near at hand, an electricity that made the hairs on my neck rise. I inched forward, breath caught in my throat, grateful for the safety of the hallway’s long shadows. Then I saw him.

And, finally, StarCraft II gets the Terra-tron:

The Terran military has always been known for its superior base-defense capabilities and constant drive to improve its fortification technology. Take, for example, the newly developed Ares planetary fortress and Crucio siege tank, or the heavily upgraded Broadsword missile turret. A few of these alongside some bunkers packed with marines provide a solid wall of armor, neosteel, and firepower to repel any threat, alien or domestic.

No lion assembly requiredBut over the course of a prolonged defense, even the most hardened armor will crack; missiles and ammo will be depleted; and the toughest troops will be worn down. To create a truly comprehensive defense for high-priority, mineral-rich regions such as the volcanic uplands of Redstone, the terrans needed to devise an entirely new concept in battlefield strategy. Terran military engineers, led by Goraion Systems’ head of development Dr. Ron Volt, have been working day and night to design a new kind of base for the terran armies: the titanic Terra-tron.

Fiendish comedians.